What Happened to the Plan?

In retrospect, the greatest mistake we made was failing to establish a time limit for our son’s temporary move back home. We’re now facing the clash of our preconceived ideas about how long he would need to finish college and the reality that he has lived with us for more than two years.

We understood the time necessary to find a part-time job. We understood the need to start off slowly in college, to “test the waters” after being out of school for eight years, and to find a balance between working and attending classes. But we do not understand why he is taking only nine credit hours this quarter and working only two and a half days a week.

The original plan was that Matt could complete his degree in one and a half to two years. Two years later, he still has more than a year left to finish, and then only if he significantly increases the number of hours he takes each quarter. Writing these words clarifies for me the disparity between the original plan and the reality of the many hours still remaining.

Our patience has been based on our desire for Matt to get that all-important degree. It’s a somewhat selfish desire on our part. A man with a degree is less likely to return to us requesting financial help. After all, we’re facing retirement in just a few years. He needs to be financially independent of us. The truth is looming: it seems that we want a degree for Matt more than he does.

And since that was the reason for allowing him to move back home, we need to reassess with Matt his need to continue living here and whether he really wants to finish school or not.

Cause and Effect

Because there are so many young people who have had to return to their parents’ homes in the last few years, it would only be natural to wonder about the cause of this dilemma. I see it as a natural outgrowth of an economy where there are simply not enough jobs available that pay enough so that a son or daughter can live independently. It’s my opinion that the overall economy of the country is the problem.

One article I read recently indicated that young people today are undergoing some of the traditional rites of passage at a later age than previous generations. While the age for graduating from high school and getting a job or going to college hasn’t changed, moving out into an apartment or house, marrying and having children are occurring at later and later ages, if at all.

On the other hand, there are people who believe that this generation of twenty to thirty-year-olds were raised by baby-boomer parents who coddled them and handed them everything they wanted so that young adults are unable to make choices for themselves that will permit them to live independently. To these people, we as parents never taught our children about competition. We handed out trophies to everyone on the soccer team, regardless of their skill. And, furthermore, we’ve held on to the responsibility for their problems by allowing them to move back home. We’re enabling them.

And then there’s that nasty word, “entitlement.” It seems that some people think that too many twenty-something’s believe that they have a right to the life-style of their parents--the life-style their parents worked at for thirty or more years--without having experienced the “lean” years where we, as parents, all started.

There may be any number of factors at work behind each individual’s need to move back home. No matter what the cause, this recent problem is becoming more widespread and is disturbing to both generations.  

Optimism: A Letter to My Son

People are not disturbed by things, but by the view they take of them.    

                                                                                    --Epictetus

With the dawning of each day, you will face new challenges. Some will seem minor; others insurmountable. Face these tests with a renewed spirit—the spirit of one who has experienced adversity and triumphed over it. Keep your focus on the present. If you must look back, do so only briefly as a guide to today’s decisions, but never to chastise yourself for minor indiscretions of the past.

Keep your mind busy. Learn all that you can about the things that interest you. Education is not just a matter confined to the classroom. Ask questions, read, and always keep an open mind. One who values knowledge will be confident and optimistic when facing the choices that life offers.   

Cultivate your friendships. Time spent with true friends is one of life’s greatest gifts. In times of trouble, friends will encourage and support you. And you will do the same for them.

Always be mindful of the One who made you. No matter where you are or what you face, He goes with you. Honor Him and seek His guidance in all things.

See the humor in life. Laugh. Sing. You’ve been given many talents. Use them. Write your songs and then share them with others. When you do, you lift their spirits.  That is more than many men can ever hope to achieve in a lifetime. Trust your talents. Trust yourself. And trust in the future.

The Right to Privacy

While not guaranteed by the Constitution, the right to privacy is a generally accepted tenet of our culture. Privacy may be thought of as actual or implied boundaries that seclude us and our possessions from others. We then selectively choose the degree to which others may acquire access to our domain.

One of the advantages to home ownership is the assurance of a reasonably high degree of privacy. Privacy affords us the freedom to say or do anything in our homes that is not otherwise unlawful. With the return of an adult child to one's home as a resident, privacy is diminished for both the parents and child.

Privacy, as I see it, includes the right to speak and not be overheard while expressing a personal opinion. The amount of time I now use moving covertly through the house to ascertain whether or not my son is present--an act made necessary because he is like a moving target, home one minute and gone the next--is a waste of my time. I do this so that he does not overhear conversations that may be about him.

Privacy is much like Honesty; it becomes most conspicuous when absent. Who knew it would have been wise to counsel our son on the degree of privacy The Girlfriend would be expected to afford us? The day she stormed into our home screaming angrily as she made her way to our son's room will not likely be forgotten. Or repeated.

Providing my son with a roof over his head had an unintended consequence: the loss of privacy for all of us. Staying on guard to watch what we say while determining whether or not he is home is somewhat daunting. But we can live with this. At least for now.

Types of Boomerang Children

There are a number of reasons why an adult child returns to their parents' home. Very often a financial problem precipitates the move. Some twenty-something's found themselves unemployed, as our son did, during the economic downturn of recent years when many companies had to reduce their workforce just to stay in business. Others have left college, with or without a degree, and then had difficulty finding a job that would pay enough to support them while paying off student loans. There are other adult children who return home after a marriage or relationship breaks up. These young adults may or may not have children of their own. Some young families return home on a short-term basis while a new home is completed or between the sale of one home and the acquisition of the next. There are repeat "boomerangers" who move home two or three or more times. I have also known parents whose children had to move home because of addictions to alcohol and/or drugs. Other young adults may or may not have graduated from high school at all and have never really left the parental home, a phenomenon sometimes referred to as "failure to launch."

In all of these cases, staying or returning home fills the adult child's need for both financial and emotional support. It is my opinion that many of the adult children who move back home may need psychological counseling depending upon the reason behind their return. That, too, can be a dilemma since so many "boomerangers" are either unemployed or underemployed leaving them without health insurance to help cover the cost of therapy. Those who return to college may be able to tap into the resources available from the student health care provided by their university.

One thing they all have in common is a pair of supportive parents willing to do anything to help their children through a temporary setback. That word, "temporary," was what we had in mind two years ago. After this much time, we have begun to wonder how much longer we are willing to allow our son to live with us.